If you’re a parent of a neurodiverse child, chances are you’ve been asked questions like, “Why won’t they say hi?” or “Why don’t they wave back?”. Maybe you want them to respond to a greeting, say thank you, or talk about their school with their grandparents, uncles, or aunties in a room. These thoughts can feel never-ending and deeply frustrating.
Sometimes, it can get overwhelming for children to be in an unfamiliar setting, especially around a lot of people. It can get extremely loud, extremely bright. We call this sensory overload, which can also be the reason why your child does not want to respond in a gathering. Sometimes, when they don’t respond the way we expect, it’s not because they can’t; it’s because they’re choosing not to, and that choice matters.
Social functioning doesn’t look the same for everyone. And when children aren’t given the space to explore their natural ways of interacting, it can lead to social masking–the act of hiding one’s true self to fit in, and a growing sense of disconnect from who they are (Shen, 2025). A child who usually likes playing on their own might push themselves to join group games at recess, copying what others do, even if it makes them feel anxious, just so they don’t get called “weird” or feel left out. Over time, this kind of masking can become a habit, and as they grow older, they may struggle to know what they actually enjoy or who they truly are because they’ve spent so long trying to fit in.
For many neurodivergent children, greetings might not be verbal. They may show you their favorite toy, start talking non-stop about a show they love, or just stand nearby because they feel safe with you. Holding your hand tightly, flapping with excitement, or sharing a drawing, whatever it is, we have to shift our perspective and learn to recognise these moments.
Why do we need to reframe our expectations?
Reframing doesn’t just help the child, it helps us, too. Many caregivers feel anxious or embarrassed when their child doesn’t respond the way others expect. It’s easy to internalise that something’s wrong. But remembering that this isn’t about the people or about you, it is about the child and how they communicate, respond, and build relationships. As psychologists, we are taught to come to the child’s level, think what they are thinking, and see things from their perspective.
That’s it.
That’s all we have to do to make sure that children feel seen and heard.
This is where the idea, social functioning as a relationship, not a performance, becomes so important. When we view social interaction as a mutual process of feeling safe, curious, and connected, the pressure shifts. It’s not about teaching kids to “act” neurotypical; it’s about helping them feel confident being themselves and accepting them exactly as they are.
Let’s try to see if we can begin to shift our lens and see these moments as a genuine attempt at communication.
| What We Expect | What It might look like instead |
| Hello | 1. Holding up favourite toy 2. Wave a little or look up 3. Start talking about things they love to do 4. Saying hello simply isn’t a priority for them at that moment- and that’s okay too. |
| Eye Contact | 1. Glance briefly 2. Face sideways but listening and gestural responses 3. Staying close but avoiding eye contact |
Play with peers | 1. Play nearby or just watch 2. Mimic what everyone else is doing 3. Play with one person instead of the entire group |
Talk about your day | 1. Talk about something they love 2. Act it out with toys or drawing or running around 3. Share an instance out of context |
Once we begin to look beyond the typical markers of “good” social behaviours, we can start noticing how in many ways children are already reaching out to us. All the moments mentioned above are small, but they’re filled with the intention to connect.
What helps?
It can feel disheartening when your child doesn’t respond in the moment, to your hello, your smile, or even your attempt to play. It’s not a rejection. It’s a cue that they need something different. Here’s what we can do:
When connecting one-on-one
(Download a printable guide here)
1. Safety, not demanding
Creating a safe space for your child, not only helps build trust but also allows them to regulate themselves. If the child doesn’t want to talk or interact, that’s completely okay. Sit nearby without asking questions, read, work, and when they are ready to interact, they will. Presence leaves a stronger impression than demands (Porges, 2022).
2. Use their interests as a bridge
Children often communicate best through what they love. If they’re really into dinosaurs, trains, or a particular show, use that as a doorway. Ask them about it, play alongside their toys, or draw something from their world (Dawson, 2022; Lizon, 2023). When a child sees that you’re genuinely interested in what matters to them, they’re more likely to open up.
3. Give space for processing
Sometimes, children, especially neurodivergent ones, need more time to absorb (Martin, 2024)) what’s being said or asked. If you’ve asked a question and they don’t answer right away, resist the urge to repeat or rephrase. Give them time to respond. The response doesn’t have to be a verbal acknowledgement, it can simply be a gesture or eye contact. Your patience tells them that their pace is okay. Over time, this builds confidence and reduces pressure.
4. Celebrate small moments
Connection doesn’t always look like a conversation (The Lancet, Volume 387, 2016). It might be your child coming to sit beside you. It might be them handing you a toy or making eye contact for a brief second. These are big moments in their world, celebrate them. A simple, “I really liked sitting with you” can mean a lot.
When connecting in a social setting:
1. Prepare them ahead of time
Use visual stories, simple charts, or walk them through what to expect. “We’ll go to the birthday party. First there’s cake, then some games. If you feel tired, you can sit with me; or in the classroom- “First we’ll have group reading, then a science activity. You can use your quiet card if you need a break.”
Knowing the plan reduces fear of the unknown (Emerson, 2023) and gives your child more control.
2. Give them a role
Instead of saying “Go play with the other kids,” try giving them something meaningful to do (Mazi, 2020). “Can you help me hand out the spoons?” or “You’re in charge of carrying the snack bag.” Being helpful is a way to be social, without the pressure of typical small talk.
3. Create a safe corner
If the setting is loud or busy, create a quiet space they can return to like a corner with a favorite toy, or put on their noise-canceling headphones, or even just your lap. Sometimes, sensory toys, chewies, or a soft stress ball can feel regulating and safe. In a classroom, it could be a beanbag area with calming tools or a “quiet box.” Knowing they have a safe zone (Birkett, 2022) can help them take social risks more confidently.
4. Advocate- Your Own Way!
Let others know what to expect. A quick word to a teacher or another parent like, “He might not say hi, but he’s happy to be here” helps reduce misunderstanding and makes the space more accepting.
These small cues reduce misunderstanding and make the space more accepting.
Let’s help you and your child feel safe, seen, and supported exactly as they are.
Email us reachout@kidable.in or Call us +91-9266688705
TL;DR (Download a printable guide here)
Neurodivergent kids may not say “hi” or make eye contact, but they still connect, in their own ways. Sharing a toy, standing nearby, or talking about their interests are all valid social cues.
Reframe social expectations: It’s not about making them act typical, but about recognizing their ways of connecting.
What helps:
● Be present without pressure
● Use their interests to connect
● Give time to respond
● Prepare them for social situations
● Create safe spaces
● Celebrate small moments
Social functioning is about relationships, not performance.
