It’s 8:45 PM. You’ve had a long, draining day at work, and your child is asking for one more episode of Peppa Pig. You know a bedtime story might be better, but you’re too exhausted. You give in and the guilt sets in. Then later, you open Instagram or scroll through a WhatsApp group, and other mums are sharing activity ideas, lunchbox wins, or bedtime routines. Suddenly, that feeling of guilt gets stronger. You wonder, “Am I doing enough?”
These small, everyday choices can leave parents feeling heavy. Parental guilt shows up in these everyday decisions; when we raise our voice, miss a school event, or just need time to ourselves.
Parental guilt is incredibly common, especially in a world where we’re constantly bombarded with idealised versions of parenting. If it builds up, it can lead to stress, exhaustion, and burnout. By understanding why this guilt shows up, we can begin to handle it with more kindness and clarity.
What Is Parental Guilt?
Is that sinking feeling that you’re not doing enough for your child or not doing it right. It stems from love and a deep sense of responsibility, but often becomes self-critical. You may feel it after saying “no,” setting a boundary, or just doing something for yourself.
In India, where parents, especially mothers, are expected to be tireless and self-sacrificing. “Good parenting” is often equated with always putting your child first, even at the cost of your own wellbeing. Parenting isn’t just a personal job – it’s seen as a duty to the family and community. And in joint families, constant advice and traditional expectations can make guilt the default setting.
At its most intense, chronic guilt may even lead to parental caregiving burnout – a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion that arises when the demands of caregiving exceed a parent’s resources over time (Kwiatkowski & Sekulowicz, 2017; Hubert & Aujoulat, 2018). This kind of burnout is especially likely when caregiving roles begin to overlap. For instance, when parents are not only caring for their children but also supporting ageing parents.
Why Is It So Common?
Parental guilt isn’t just emotional — it’s structural.
Many parents are constantly balancing multiple roles: employee, caregiver, cook, tutor, scheduler, and more. This role overload leads to overwhelming stress, and guilt is often the by-product when we can’t meet unrealistic expectations.
There’s also a strong gendered dynamic. “Mom guilt” isn’t just personal; it’s social, shaped by long-standing cultural narratives about what a “good mother” should be. Research suggests that guilt has become almost an inherent part of motherhood (Sutherland, 2010), reinforced by expectations of selflessness, sacrifice, and round-the-clock care.
Indian families, traditionally collectivist and interdependent, can offer powerful sources of support, from grandparents helping with caregiving to extended family networks sharing everyday responsibilities. These structures have the potential to reduce the emotional and logistical pressure on mothers. In fact, strong family resilience (marked by shared caregiving, open communication, and mutual respect) is known to buffer stress and prevent burnout. But while the foundation exists, we often fall short of tapping into it fully. What we’re failing to do is leverage the strengths of our collectivist systems to truly distribute acts of care, rather than concentrating guilt and responsibility on the mother.
What we need is a cultural shift that rethinks roles, normalises asking for help, and treats caregiving as a shared responsibility.
Adding to this, Social Comparison Theory (Festinger, 1954) helps explain why guilt feels so persistent. We often evaluate ourselves by comparing our parenting to others. When we only see the highlights of others’ parenting, it’s easy to feel like we’re falling short. A working mother may feel guilty for not being home enough, while a stay-at-home mother may feel guilty for not contributing financially. Fathers aren’t exempt either. While their guilt is less openly discussed, many feel the pressure to be emotionally present in a society that hasn’t always encouraged that role.
Further, research (Liss et al., 2012) shows that this guilt and shame often arise from the gap between a mother’s actual self and her ideal self—a gap that is made worse by the fear of negative judgment from others. Mothers who worry about being judged tend to experience stronger feelings of shame when they feel they don’t live up to perfect motherhood ideals. This discomfort is known as Cognitive Dissonance.
Signs You May Be Experiencing Parental Guilt:
Here are some thoughts and patterns to look out for:
- I feel guilty when I leave for work or a family function, and my child starts crying at the door.
- I often feel it is my fault if my child gets upset.
- I feel guilty when I do not have the energy to fully engage with my child.
- I feel bad if I am not at home or with my family.
- When I rely on grandparents or a house help to manage my child, I feel judged, like I should be doing it all on my own.
- I blame myself when things go wrong, even if it’s not entirely in my control.
- I struggle to make decisions or feel confident about the choices I make as a parent.
- I feel guilty about being angry, anxious, or more irritable than usual.
How to Cope With Parental Guilt
There’s no single formula to erase guilt, but you can learn to move through it with compassion and clarity. One powerful way to make sense of guilt is to pause and notice what brings it up, what you tell yourself, and how it affects you.
Parental guilt may show up, but it doesn’t have to move in permanently.
Remind yourself: you’re showing up, learning, loving. That’s more than enough. Parenting is messy, beautiful, and ever evolving, and so are you.
We’re here to support you through every step.
Reach out to us: reachout@kidable.in or +91-9266688705
